If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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