Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
