Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
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so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
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I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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