Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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