Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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