roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
