I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
