if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
