If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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