That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
