dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
