If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
