She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
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I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
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Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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