Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.