I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
