Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
