I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
