Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
