I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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