how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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