My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
