Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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