so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
