Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
