I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
