I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
