Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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