Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
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She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
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That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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