White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
