i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
