Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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