I'm so fucking centered right now
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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