Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
