Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
