You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
