Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize