Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
