I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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