My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So much rum. So many feels.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
