He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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