I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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