You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
