i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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