I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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