She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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