Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
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