dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
