Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
