I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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