Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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