the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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