i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
