Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
