i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
