I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
