Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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