this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
