I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
